It’s been a while. I missed you all. And I want to summarise what I want to say in the most efficient way possible. Still, writing this in its entirety and mentioning the many essential details I feel I mustn’t just go swiftly over to pass the point would defeat the purpose of it to me.
So if you’re looking for that 10-second read or 5-minute inspiration that will brighten your day from me.
This is not it. However, I hope this is 5 minutes that will brighten your day and tell you the advice I wish someone ever told me. And I apologise to all of those who have, and I never listened. And possibly inspire you to be the role model I wish I had—May he live long and healthy. If he could speak now, it would have been a thing he said to me.
So, just like many unlucky folks, I no longer have that amazing human to guide me. At least not anymore. And I’m sorry for the people that never had that. Trust me, losing it is so painful that I wish I had sometimes thought it would have been easier if I never knew it because the only way forward for me beyond it was to let my heart guide me. And nature, the heartbreaks; worse, it makes mistakes. And healing it, if not surgical, requires much therapy. Physical, mental and spiritual.
Or at least that’s what it is like for me.
So thank you. But I’m here to tell you something groundbreaking, and it taught me how the more you hit rock bottom, the better you are at getting low, low, down low. And if you aim high enough, you go from an illiterate pearl diver to an astronaut within 51 years. Or one – literally father to son. As proven by our beloved home, the UAE.
It is not a secret nor a shocking public statement that I suffer from many mental challenges compared to everyday folk. But it’s just something I accept and live with. Some people have diabetes and go through life with it. I’m lucky to moderate but not obliterate my sugar intake. And mental health, as essential as it is, I would not say it is as taboo as it used to be. But; hard to be discussed. With anyone, including sometimes a professional. I mean, vulnerability is a challenge for anyone. I know it could be for me. And I work on improving that, such as being able to say it in my notebook.
So, this is a recount of how my bipolar body and the anxious, depressed soul trapped in it walked in after a regular work day, sat on my living room couch and could not physically move a limb for three days—just paralysed. My brain, the great wordsmith, could not spell move to my limbs. It just decided not to too.
And I had a choice, call for an ambulance or cry. Cry for the loss of my expo family, the loss of the dream job that fulfilled me, and the fact that a piece of me died saying goodbye to my office and team. Knowing that my team leader for the first time made me realise what the word “brother” means, and my team member that became a sister; right after losing one, had to move away from me to find a better opportunity, and I had lost my compass just like my father got sick all over again. I once again lost the people that filled in the gaps my genetically related family left in me.
And I just came from an office where I worked day and night because, just like that child in me, I was trying to work twice as hard so maybe my genetic family would be proud of me. I was back to that kid that needed someone from the many educated cultured, and we’ll travel adults around to say, saeed, it is okay to be. You’re peculiar because God made you be; it is not an ailment to us if you are.
It took me a few days to get my act together and make changes, commit to months of psychiatric and psychological therapy (in my mind) and heal, not just to be fulfilled in my life and career. But to be able to physically allow my brain to move my body from the couch. And to make me never wanna sit on it again.
Because when you are in love with your drive, aligned with your values, and creating or making the change you want to see in the world. Why would you ever want to park your car? Or why would you ever want to sit on a couch?
Standing up and seeing a purpose realise this is a more appealing idea to me. And I’m sure it would be to you too.
Because when you are genuinely doing what you love, you wake up every day hoping to see realism, and the last thing you want to do is close your eyes.
Think about it if you are a parent, a privilege I feel through other people’s children, don’t you want to spend every waking minute watching them grow up? I’ve had days when I was hooked on a baby just watching it yawn.
It is incredible; your eyes get glued on the hope you see for them and for them to realise their full potential. It’s like.. for a moment, you forget to blink.
So when I could pull myself together four days later from the couch, I went to the toilet. I think twice. During the entire period, I kid you not. I pulled out my laptop and wrote one of the most freeing emails of my life. My resignation. It’s not that I hated my job.
I had 0 feelings towards it. I loved my team, but just as much as I wanted what was best for them. I wanted to be selfish and find out what was best for me. I was three months in being head of a crucial department at an award-winning and genuinely groundbreaking agency.
Working on projects that are changing mindsets and leading creatives that I recognise as talented and influential, some of whom are half my age and double it in terms of inspiration to me. And that was Their passion. Not mine.
How can I inspire people I learn from and aspire to be?
It was just a feeling I did not have, and as much as I tried, I knew it would not sit with me.
I am many things; one of them is grateful. And honesty and integrity to people that helped me learn anything is a debt I can never repay, and genuine respect for them meant never hurting them non deliberately, not intentionally, or remotely. Or allow it to happen.
This made me realise what crippled me. And the resignation email was not surprising but maybe unexpected but the whole team. It was unfortunate for reasons I could not truly put into words. But what I was able to say was the truth. A probationary period between an employer and an employee works both ways; any relationship is always a two-way street. And as much as I love the team, I need to love myself and work on finding what I want to do in a way that fulfils me. Sadly this is not it. And a two-way street will take you nowhere if you’re not driving in the right direction. Right? Because I knew I took a fast decision and numbed myself to not mourn the loss of my tribe and family by flooring the pedal on the closest street I could find, I did not have my ancestral guidance to easily navigate through the desert by looking at the stars. The city’s lights make it truly hard to see stars. Not ones genuinely close to me.
For a month, I said nothing about my resignation to my mother. I was ashamed. She did not raise a quitter. And for an odd reason, I felt like it. But it was either quitting the role or stop being me.
Hard statement. But if you’ve ever had the kind of depression that paralyses your body physically ( I pray that you never do), you will honestly know what I mean.
After that email, I got a pen.
And wrote down three things.
I was the happiest and most fulfilled in my role at Expo because. And I truly listed the reasons one by one.
Then I booked the earliest appointments with my psychiatrist; I was off meds for almost the entire expo. Because I honestly was so happy, I never needed them.
(Except on days where I literally couldn’t deal with the number of people on site) which is, in my opinion, a testament to our tribe’s success. So, yes, a pill to sleep that night did not hurt.
Or; one right before the opening. Especially when you go through a breakup from a long-term relationship. Five days before the opening ceremony.
But I was busy. I did not even have time to tell my team about my relationship demise because, guess what. I did not have time to realise it myself. I did not have the time to sit on the couch.
I had an opening ceremony that, in my interest, meant making sure it was the best I could contribute to making it be, even if that contribution was beyond the grave.
Die, and show the world how truly amazing being Emirati means to me; no sweat, blood, or tears would ever stop me. And for an incredible six months. It didn’t.
And the reasons I got on that paper were my direction. I’ll never be as happy as I was working at the expo. But what could make me more comfortable working now?
Which took me to step two.
I am aligning my values. And that was easy. What is important to me is that I would choose over myself.
I wrote those down.
The family came first. (The ones I choose, of course, because I’ve learned the hard way that blood is not thicker than water)
At least not in the case of all the family members lucky enough to share genes with lucky me. Because that’s the only thing, they have shared. Or seems to be.
So I advertised consulting again / during the expo; I had two big clients on retainer that also were enough to pay bills for me.
I spoke to my therapist and made a plan to figure out what would fulfil me and make me happy, stable and never again in that state I felt on the couch.
Because I genuinely believed that it was easier to die at that moment and never to be able to move a limb again.
Or, know why you can’t. My therapist, the incredible woman that has guided me through the worst and best times, was keen on not seeing me like that ever again.
So I promised her what I already had by our appointment.
Freelance. Help others. Live on and earn enough to have a roof, clothes, food( the groceries that you can afford) and figure out what could make you saeed if it was ever possible again.
During our session, she told me to remind myself of my life. The good, the bad. My strengths, my weaknesses, at least as I perceive them. And create a presentation. That explains that. Explain yourself to someone that has no idea who you’re so that by the end of the slides. They would, if not want to know more about what that is, at least be comfortable enough to share who they are with you.
Wow, big ask, and even to a marketer like me who whips decks in his sleep, it requires much vulnerability. Which is something I only show my pen when it meets paper. Seriously. How can you be anything but happy when your name means that?
As hard as it is, you can’t be cheerful and happy all the time; at least my bipolar body physically cannot give me that privilege, and I am so excited for you if you have it. May it never be taken away. Leading by example is essential to me. Infiltrating places to show what I believe is the positive representation of UAE Culture and values and to try to be the example that I wish I had met growing up for other people, specifically Arabs and emiratis, is something I truly enjoy being.
Indeed, I see myself narrowing it down to making people happy. Happy. Contempt. Fulfilled. And people’s happiness and my own meant something to me and stood out. It is my name, in Arabic, سعيد علي.
God gave me the name Saeed Ali, which means happily elevated or in a poetic sense (in a position of high respect and credibility). And my happiness meant living up to it.
And it took me 30 mins, and I created slides reflecting exactly how I came to be, starting from the year my parents got married to that moment, how every decision of theirs and mine led me to right here, right now. And where can I go from here, and why was it so obvious? How can I show my pride, ethics, hard work, and creativity in a way to benefit humanity as a whole, the middle east specifically and being Emirati or what it truly means to me, and the answer was simple, it’s to live and breath connecting minds, creating the future.
Something I learn so quickly how to do. Because when I do it. I no longer need a coach. A floor is fine. If my bandura gets ruined, it’s all right. I have another tucked in the office. PCR test positive. Lol, whatever; I work from home because covid had no symptoms.
Here is the presentation I created. It helps you understand why I decided to work at Chalhoub Greenhouse. An international company based in Dubai.
Because by the time I had put my objective and mindset around what I wanted, it was either doing the best I could at the best place possible. I could be better in any position possible for me. I applied to very few companies that shared 70% of expo values. I had a clear vision and mission that fed to and, with secondary research, evidently reflected connecting minds and creating the future.
(unfortunate fact, but a modern workforce will forever be a work in progress)
So, I set my eyes on a company. That has transformed itself recently. I watched the podcast on how and why they did that but most importantly, how this family-owned and the lead company became better than the world-renowned Mubadala to work; a place in which I had the experience that I got to see the now president of the country. Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed put his arm around me and asked to document this moment for me. I don’t even believe I should justify the professional growth and career foundations it laid down for me.
So how did this family-owned conglomerate offer something that could be any better? What does that even mean? Is there any better?
Well, LinkedIn believes so. And more significantly, at that point, I found out how I could have that and told them that you are a fantastic family that offered the best to its members. But have you heard about what it means to come from a tribe? Because not all families do. And I can show you.
I mean, it’s still relatively early, but I pinch myself every day. Everyday. Because I cannot believe that a company and team of such calibre would not see the ailment some of my genetic family saw in me. And guess what? They made me feel more like a family than others have ever made me. I love my expo family, and as it grew, I remain to love them as my family.
And it is the only family to me worthy of being compared to that based on my concise and genuinely fantastic experience at every touch point I’ve had with every person working within the Chalhoub family.
Connecting minds, creating the future at the greenhouse. A company with a slogan of creating tomorrow today.
Resemblance. I think so.
But the experience of joining the Chalhoub family is even more fitting for the group’s slogan, which should be adopted globally.
Extraordinary, every day.
So it took me to become a Britney spears in 2007, to be free, saeed. And as unique a tribe is, it’s enormous. And all it took for me to get up from that couch was to realise that when you fall, all you need is family to help you back up. And sometimes it’s a family you choose, not the family that would rather dig a hole and put you in the ground for them to remember that my name translates to,
Happy. And it’s the name my mother and father worked hard to make sure it meant not just how it reads on my passport or documents
سعيد علي سالم
But for me to understand it as, Happy. Honourable. Unscathed. Without having to look it up in a dictionary to know what it means.