I want you to take your time until you are ready, and I know you will miss me eventually and come back because I am for you, and you are for me. I will be waiting.
I would say:
Thank you for knowing that blocking me is not the only choice you have to address emotions and is the worst possible way to communicate with someone, and actually it is the opposite of communication. Which is fundamentally our problem.
You are safe, you are not rejected, you are liked and will always be, and Dubai will always be your home regardless if you want to ever see me or not.
If you want to start healing yourself, you should start with this letter. I tried keeping the sentences as short as possible. But I took the time and have written down everything on my mind for you.
I know we discussed your mental issues, and you love it when I also see things from my perspective that I know that you are maybe unable to see.
I can find other men, but I do not want that, I want you. You want to find another man other than me, but the best for you is me. I see you so clearly in a way no one else ever will and I want you.
I know how I was I behaving made you feel like I do not care about giving you your space, freedom, acceptance, and validation.
I understand that you have a need to recharge yourself, and I know that you were frustrated from my constant communication, and you felt like I was taking a lot of your time and space. I actually really do, and now putting myself in your shoes I completely understand.
You are important, and you are valued by me. But I am also important, and I am valuable and amazing just like you. We both matter.
I know that you felt an imbalance between us in terms of the love you were giving and receiving. And you felt like that this is no longer a good relationship for you, at least not anymore.
We can as two people always work on becoming better, I am open to learning from you and working together to become the best versions of our selves.
It has been a while since I have heard from you, and I am happy to know that you are okay.
I don’t want to play the blame game in our relationship, ever. I never want to blame you for anything, and I need you to not blame me for writing this to you.
Previously I have told you that our relationship is the kind that will thrive forever, and I know you inside and out.
I trust you.
I am here for you.
My promises for you, I will never forget.
I will die, while waiting for you.
Ready to welcome you back in my life with open arms.
I will always try my best to do what you need; I will never leave.
Unless I left this earth.
You are the best partner I ever had, and I understand all your issues, but you need to know that I need you to open up, we need to work on it together. If you believe that the above is true for you too.
No matter how long of time you need, when you come back to me you still will be the same to me, the best and most honest man I ever knew.
The people that came to you before me gave up on you, and let you go, you loved me because you knew that will never ever be me.
I know you are independent and would probably never need me, but I will still be there. Maybe if you only need to just have a smile, a dance, share music, or listen to our playlist.
You are perfect the way you are, and I like how amazing and special you are as a person, your kindness, independence, and honesty coupled with your logical way of thinking is something I am attracted to very much.
I am attracted to you physically, mentally and spiritually.
During this time of your absence, I have taken the time to digest everything that has happened between us up until this point, and I realized that our relationship had problems between my insecurities, and yours.
We were on a spiral of destruction that no amount of commitment without resolving them from any of our parts would have fixed.
I did everything I could to help you and will never stop. I helped you open up and feel the tears of happiness, love, and I know that for you commitment sometimes means needing more time apart and space.
I won’t excuse my actions when we broke up, I was a mess, and I should have better control over my emotions instead of trying to desperately try to show you the beauty of what we have and the loss I am feeling.
Which is my bad since I stopped therapy then, but I am back in therapy again which helped me see everything clearly now.
If you want to participate and work on us through therapy as well, please let me know because I can work only on me. But, I cannot work on us alone.
Given our personalities, I understand It’s only natural that we both hide behind our work and obsess about helping others in our times of need and emotional turmoil.
The more I think about it, and the more I think about how I was treated, the more I understand how my actions and comments of my feelings, eventually caused my desperate attempt to prove my caring love and hopefully win you back, actually drove you away.
I feel you forgot how my mind sometimes makes me feel like I am not worthy, and wrecks my self-esteem completely.
I am working on my anxiety and the issues I have ignored for so long in therapy again, and you really should definitely try therapy too. I honestly hope that someday you get the help that you need for your dismissive-avoidant love style.
Would it be possible for us to work on it together? because we both deserve to be happy in a secure loving relationship that makes us feel free to share love unconditionally, and I know that you need that, but do not know how to achieve that or get to that goal.
The reality is, I am sending you this because I know how misunderstood you think you are. And that you do not feel attracted to me. But this is your mind, playing games. I really will always try my best to always understand you and work on myself to be the best partner for you.
Sex or no sex, commitment or no commitment. I will be your rock, that will always be there for you. I will be gentle, caring, and available for you to be ready open up.
I also know through self-reflection that the treatment I have received from you in the last few months is less than what I deserved.
I was your closest friend, and you threw me away like I meant nothing because of your subconscious mind, plotting us against each other and telling you things that I really wish you shared with me.
Given my borderline personality disorder and bipolar, I initially blamed myself, and went through the series of emotions of loss, sadness, to fear and then anger. But the only emotion I feel right now is pity because I know how it feels, I really know how it feels, and I am lucky enough to have access to treatment, and I know you want that for you too.
The voices in my head can sometimes be the loudest voices I ever hear, and I am sure it sometimes gets very loud in your head too. Or you feel like you are sometimes outside your body and have no control over it. Especially when you disassociate. It is the most difficult thing.
I honestly feel sorry for you. Because I know you are worthy of being loved. But for some reason, you went back to the level of thinking you had when we first met. You were so close. You were so so close… You had an actual breakthrough, you felt intense emotions, secure to speak about your feelings, and even cried from how much you loved me, but then you relapsed. You went back to square one.
I hope you did not forget the meditation, your appreciation for me, and the benefits of having a relationship in your life. I really believe that you would really benefit from trying therapy.
It will make me really happy to know that you are aware of having a person to share your happiness, fears, and what you truly want to be happy in your future.
I saw your wounds, and I may be the only one that did. So, I hope you let me help heal you.
The journey to find love you will have to go through now will be much harder than it ever was before me.
To me, you will never be a stranger. You turned off your emotions in a flash. It’s not something everyone can do. Only something that people that are dealing with an intense level of internal pain do.
And I understand that. I should have never told you I am thinking of never talking to you. I know how strong you are, and that you do not like to be threatened. I have no idea why I said that because I am here, and present. I will never leave.
I accept you for your flaws and your insecurities, and maybe one day you will accept yourself too. I hope I can make you become a better version of yourself.
But I know that you have rationalised yet again the list of requirements you have been looking for in a person to love, and although I met them initially. You embraced the love that was suppressed within you for a very long time until eventually you saw that loving me as a vulnerability.
Hence, the requirements increased and you created liabilities and conditions that are unrealistic, and unstable for me. All that for providing you with the level of intimacy, the level of care, the security of having someone secure in your life that truly loves you.
The simplest of things such as texting you was annoying you, but it was my way to show you that I am here for you. I am not going away. Because I care about you, I hope you never will forget that.
The truth is all relationships require a continuous level of vulnerability, compromise, and intimacy to survive. You should know that by now, given your previous experiences and how you longed for intimacy then, and was unable to understand why you were rejected despite your best efforts.
Unfortunately, you did the same to me. Even though I see that you have needs, and I am available and will do it.
Thank you for the many lessons. I will never forget any of them. I hope you find inner acceptance. Or when you have a relationship with someone outside a plain activity or a phone call and a casual meeting 2 – 3 times a year.
I actually accept you for who you are just like you accepted me, comforted me and really helped me through all my mental breakdowns.
Now you need to look in the mirror and accept yourself. See yourself like I do.
I am not shocked that you blocked me for trying to help you, trying to show you that love is unconditional, and helping you understand yourself from my perspective, which is something, I promised you to do.
While you promised me that you would always try to listen, reflect and implement. You broke that, and my heart.
Guess what? You have work to do. you are my fixer and I depend on you to keep me sane, heal me, and I hope I can provide that to you.
I believe that throughout your life you have been conditioned that love is conditional. But my love for you is unconditional, and if you ever decide to open yourself to being loved unconditionally. I am here.
Or, if you want us to rationally discuss getting back into our relationship like adults and accept doing the work on ourselves as we work on our flaws together, and move forward as partners and trust that we can be happy together. Grow together as one unit that supports each other in a loving healthy relationship like we always imagined, then only, in that case, let me know.
I know that I need a serious relationship where I feel worthy and loved by my partner. I deserve the commitment I want from my partner. Love is supposed to let you connect with others and yourself, and make you understand your significant other in ways only you can. Which I truly believe I had with you.
I realize that for us to go back to that level of trust, care and support will take time after you have chosen to dismiss and reject me. I know you can meet your own needs, but I like it when you are providing meeting some of my needs too.
If you can ever let me know what you need. I will surely be happy to accommodate. Love is compromise.
If that happened, I will not be very happy about you throwing a very good thing like us out the door whenever you feel anxious or vulnerable ever again. Which you did instead of opening up and talking about your waves of depression and anxiety.
The reality is there is nothing I can do if you are unwilling to acknowledge your issues and emotions to help yourself navigate through them. You can see a mental health professional that can help you with your issues. And I will be supportive as a partner would be during the process. I promise.
But you can’t help someone that does not want help. I remember telling you of my situation before I got diagnosed as well. I remember you asking me about what made me get to the conclusion to see a therapist. and I told you, I knew something is not right, but I ignored it until I was unable to do that anymore. So I hope this makes you unable to ignore it anymore.
If not me, then something or someone eventually will in the future.
Given the above, I am no longer at the stage where I was at previously to allow you to play games of being hot and cold, or unable to accept that love means also giving each other critical feedback and discussing the issues that arise as we grow older in a loving partnership as adults would together.
I want to get to a space where it is safe for our feelings and needs to be communicated openly with each other.
That said, if you want to be back in my life, I need you to promise me to work on that, and I need to see the changes in your behavior to trust you again.
And I need to know that you honestly believe that we are both right for each other despite our minor human flaws and fully commit to us as a fully serious relationship.
I will no longer take blame for trying to be closer to you and loving you as a reason for you to push me away and to go back into your shell that is keeping you indecisive about your needs and us, also keeping you in the safety of being single, free, and not vulnerable or intimate with any person, clouding your judgment that you are happier this way with no one by your side.
Because I know that sooner rather than later you will be lonely again. This time older, and with less time on this earth, and I would probably have already moved on with someone else.
Because I really can. But want life with you. I really want you only. And, I know you want me too, because in your logical mind, I am the best for you.
You have been through enough now to know that as humans, we all need someone by our side that loves us and cares for us, we all have the desire to have a strong meaningful connection and relationship.
It is obvious to me that we are unable to ever be just friends. I hope you remember that I am not perfect, but I am understanding. And I know that you are not a bad person and possess many great qualities that I look for in a partner.
I am loving, kind, supportive, thoughtful and present, and I love myself a lot. But I also love sharing that with a special person for me, and for me, I see a future with you.
Think deeply about this.. and let it sink it.
As you can see, I know exactly what I want and I will look for it in you, or someone else if you decide to remain not talking to me.
So please do not have any feelings of guilt as you decide. You do not owe me anything, but It will make me really happy to know you decided to give us a chance.
I wish you would find inner peace, and good luck with your decision about us, and the remainder of your life.
And for me in writing this, I hope I can suffer through life without this pain. And, let you go.
2022 update: I am healed.