In a world where parenthood is often idealized and celebrated, it’s essential to recognize that behind the veneer of parental roles, there can lie a complex tapestry of emotions and experiences.

Recently, a close friend of mine, today in his early 30s, and have been married for a decade to his “college sweetheart”, whom he truly still calls the “love of his life” shocked me with his news of his unexpected divorce. He said, I divorced the love of my life.

So, naturally, if you are as curios as me you would ask, but if you love her so much then why did you get a divorce?!

I mean I rarely hear husbands describing their current wives as the love of their lives, this is an ex-husband. In my head thinking, “I need to get my hands on this voodoo”. Jokes.

He answered, it’s what she wanted “she said she doesn’t feel safe” and asked the court so I had to do it. I gave her the divorce she needed in order to feel safe.

Baffled yet?

Trust me, read the below. This is a story in Dubai of two Emirati ex-husband and wife. Being told to me by the ex-husband that is a friend and wanted to safely confide in me with a revelation that left me profoundly moved and contemplative. And trust me, will truly be astonishing to you too.

He then moved along and said, well the good thing is that she will have our daughter, I hope she raises her well, and expressed a profound sense of relief for having granted custody of his very young child almost at the age of 6 -year-old daughter to his ex-wife.

But the heart-wrenching reason – he believed she could provide a better parenting experience, something he felt inherently incapable of delivering due to his personal struggles with identity and past traumas. He then said to me, what is a father good for other than money? I will pay for her food and tuition even though it’s truly expensive, I’m willing to take it upon myself to pay the school fees due to my higher (than her mother’s) salary.

In which to I replied, So you pay the tuition? I’m sure she is very thankful for the education you are willing to provide.

I mean, not all of it its 50% by me and then the other by my ex- wife. And we do not live in 1800s women have the equal rights to men and should pay the same.

Before you tear me apart in the comments, I mean at least he is not in the 1800s clearly he believes in equality. So I still blame the ex wife for feeling unsafe. DONT know about you.

Well, I took a deep breath, just like every person ever reading this should do. And said: I guess that’s normal in any divorce, I mean she is your daughter and that is her tuition.

Trying my best to keep a fake smile, of how can you still be shocked of your wife wanting a divorce when I am shocked you still do not see your side of the story, as fault.

Like in my head all I could think of is, POOR WOMAN. I had a better life, and my life wasnt easy. Yet it seemed to me at that moment that I had the easiest life in history; atleast I had nothing such as this to overcome.

He then sighed and said, well if it was up to me ,I would not have enrolled her in such an “expensive” school.

Fact: “Dubai is the second most expensive city in the world to educate a child, behind only Hong Kong”.

It is no secret that quality education comes at a hefty price, a price not every luxury bag carrying hand or a luxury sports car occupant or driver can afford. I mean Cmon, we all have our priorities. After all, there is no fake education. Just a bad one. Or a government-funded public one. Or in this day and age, a Youtube one. But many broken luxury cars, and even more countriefiet luxury handbags all over the globe.

I was beyond stunned. I asked, but I’m confused.

I am no mathematician but I truly believe humans mainly are willing to invest in both categories more than an education.

Make it your task to know, and ask ChatGPT for a formula. Or continue reading.

Moving on:

So.. You still love your ex-wife?

But, not your daughter?!

I DONT think I ever felt my eyelids open wider than this except when doing LASIK eye surgery. To be frank i think it truly even widened at least 2 more inches since then cuz I felt my eyes almost bursting touching my lashes.

I mean, love of your life has a daughter with you, then feels unsafe, wants a divorce, and on top of all of this your complaining about educating your child to me. And asking for an answer surrounding the reason for her to ask for a divorce due to feeling unsafe to end your personal unfathomable confusion surronding her betrayal.

I mean, I felt unsafe in this conversation, so I wonder how do you believe she felt for 10 years sleeping next to you?

I joking said, I don’t blame her. It’s hard for me to feel safe listening to this and not doing anything about it.

So he shouted:

I CANNOT HELP OR UNDERSTAND WHY DO I GET SO ANGRY. I LOVE HER AND MY DAUGHTER, BUT I GET ANGRY.

Very angry. And sometimes I get violent.

On the surface, my friend appeared composed, successful, and intelligent. If you met him, you would vote him to be the MENA the bachelor, or 40 hottest men under 40 or whatever list you define as a list of conventional story of success written by people that have no reference to what an Emirati household life could be.

But seriously even I think if we had such a list, He would on the top of it. I mean I joke you not. Truly he is a valedictorian, undeniably smart, well-educated, and beyond your ideas of being conventionally handsome, I mean this man is “FIIIIINE”.

To the point I secretly sometimes wondered how lucky must his wife be. Trust me, given my standards in men, I would know.

However, beneath this outward facade lay a man in turmoil, grappling with a range of issues that ran far deeper than what met the eye and possibly more fuming than the earth’s core and that being 9% higher than the surface of the sun, you can just imagine the pressure of 3.6 million (atm) just waiting to explode like my head just did.

Violent? Angry?

I have known you for as far as your marriage and never have even seen you raise your voice, have an argument or say anything other than as you wish.

But, you are violent towards the love of your life? And abusive? Physically?

He opened up, for the first time, to someone. “Other than his ex-wife and (the love of his life)”.

He shared a deeply troubling account of the most poignant struggles he faced and the confusion surrounding his sexual identity.

He then said that throughout his life he found himself unable to navigate the complexities of his own desires and relationships, often wrestling with moral and ethical dilemmas. This confusion extended to his understanding of global cultural nuances, leaving him adrift in a world that demanded clarity and certainty. And anxious, frustrated, angry and on the verge of a volcanic eruption, daily. That he wears a mouth guard to sleep so that he no longer would damage his jaw clenching it while sleeping.

This extremely educated man in his 30s, looked in the reflection and was confronted with a profound sense of anger, anxiety, and control that bewildered him. The inexplicable rage that sometimes led to unfortunate incidents, such as the “accidental” death of a household pet, physical abuse, domestic violence, extramarital relationships, and insecurity in marriage. Then, as confusing as I was he appeared to be by his surprise why a woman he loves this much would request a divorce on the grounds of “feeling unsafe” after a decade of marriage. And why did his promise “this time” that he would not hurt her again, yet it didn’t work. How can “she” be so cruel?

That divorce has left “him” feeling emotionally empty, even months after his divorce had concluded. He then said to me.

That he misses her, and can’t move on.

Putting all my personal anger aside, listening to a friend and truly trying my best to understand and empathize and support him in becoming better. I wanted to understand, how can I know Jykel and Hyde for over 10 years, and literally have no clue.

After multiple deep questions.

He painstakingly and barely willingly revealed to me that his emotional turbulence traced its roots back to his upbringing. His childhood and his adolescence. He knows the things that happened were not his fault. But he is at fault for allowing them.

His father, truly throughout the years I know had never shown him affection, beyond financial needs, creating a lifelong void that defied easy closure.

Moreover, his friendships, some mentors, and caretakers had subjected him to sexual abuse, mental torment, and relentless bullying, scars that continued to haunt him throughout the years.

Yet, the darkest chapter of his life was a closely guarded secret, one that he carried like an albatross. At 12 and 15, he endured sexual abuse from a domestic family household helper. He was acutely aware that this was wrong, yet he confessed to a troubling truth – he derived a perverse sense of pleasure from these traumatic encounters.

This inner turmoil prevented him from acting, speaking up, or seeking help. Even at 18, when he no longer felt any attraction toward her, he admitted to an inexplicable desire for further encounters with both sexes, accumaliting to him seeking sex with another maid. Tortured by the idea of being tainted, immoral and the fear that nobody would believe his side of the story of how it started, he might as well take matters into his hands and start them.

And after many years speaking up would do nothing to him but harm. He said, After all, how can a female abuse a male? She’s the woman, no one would have believed me.

And in his defence, he could have been right. I mean, these circumstances are truly rare in a tight Muslim community, especially a religious one in which domestic helpers who are female are kept separate and afar from the males.

I just had to keep doing it and wishing no one would find out until I married the love of my life. She was a virgin. I had been seeing her for about three to four years before that consistently, and I lied to her that I was a virgin too.

Because she wanted to wait until after marriage. I couldn’t tell her I am used. I couldn’t tell her I’m bad, that I am going to be probably going to be punished by god for my sins, I tried my best to pray and repent what happened.

Honestly, growing up in the Arab world I have been saddened by many stories of women I knew or heard about that would refer to themselves using such language. Yet, I have never heard a middle aged arab or expat ever say a story so heartbreaking and projects attributes about themselves that are beyond provoking of negative emotions that I took the longest sigh in my life and just said. You’re definitely not bad, or broken, but you are in dire need of therapy. Because I would love to support you as much as possible through this, but knowing your story, it surprises me you would still be confused about the reasons you are utterly broken and confused as an adult. You are not broken, used or worthless.

You are depressed, angry, frustrated and the last of these reasons for me to say these words to you is your divorce. And the only help I can get you is to have a professional to support you, I’m happy to point you in the right direction. But the stories you have shared with me, are true. Because I can see your hurt, yet need a professional to support you in your journey of recovery, emotionally, physically and mentally.

Given the weight of these internal battles that took an immense toll on his life. His marriage crumbled, and his family unit fractured. Astonishingly, amidst this cacophony of pain and confusion, he felt an unexpected sense of relief. He found solace in knowing that his daughter had a good mother to care for her, sparing her the burden of having a deeply troubled and irreparable father.

The overarching theme in his life was an inability to love – himself, others, or the world around him. It was a stark reminder of the profound and lasting impact of trauma, confusion, and the pressing need for healing, understanding, and compassion.

This story, unfortunately, mirrors the experiences of many men, and fathers around the world today. It was just shocking to me to hear of it, from someone I personally know and considered a successful adult with a happy marriage and family. But, never judge a book by its cover Or a man by his position in power. Sometimes the most broken are the most powerful because, at one traumatic event, they were powerless.

I am aware that parenthood was never meant to be an easy endeavour, but it demands sincere effort and dedication. It is disheartening to see individuals willing to bring children into the world without being prepared to invest the necessary time and energy in raising them. But how can they if they had no clue about how to do that for themselves?

Sadly, I know of many mothers (also fathers) that would rather have the maids raise their children. And have spoken of it to me with arrogance that good parenting means that they pay the school fees, provide monetary support to their father and food on the table sometimes even with the little to no support of another parent, so what else, or more can they do for their kids? And vice versa.

Call the children ungrateful, spoiled, weak and needy. And so surprisingly then turn around and ask. But why are the kids not thankful that they have laptops, ipads, YouTube or Netflix? What else could they would possibly need. A mother, a father?

A parent? Someone to talk too?

But they have the maid. They have their friends. What is there for me to talk to them about? We can talk when they are old enough to go to university and able to have an adult conversation.

This is a true story. So I want you the reader to predict and write in the comments below, the likelihood from 1 being lowest to 10 being the highest of these kids ever being able to have an adult conversation, once they are adults.

learning all this today. I realize sometimes, you need to protect children from their own home or parents with an ideology as such that these children would have a better future being raised by wolves. Or at a boarding school. At least, there would be someone paying attention to them as they slept. Making sure they are safe in their own beds. Not violated and unable to speak not a parent, or a teacher, because all you can speak to is a sexually abusive housemaid.

But let us not forget the other side of this equation – the plight of women who find themselves trapped in motherhood due to societal and cultural expectations, often struggling to understand or acknowledge their unhappiness. As we evolve as a society, it is crucial to foster an environment where both men and women can make informed choices about parenthood. Empowering individuals to embrace parenthood willingly, with total commitment, is a collective responsibility. Only through this shared effort can we hope for a future where both fathers and mothers find genuine fulfilment and joy in their roles, making a positive and lasting impact on their children’s lives. This journey towards more equitable and fulfilling parenthood is indeed a noble endeavour, one that requires our unwavering commitment and empathy for all those who navigate its complex terrain.

Right now, I’m wondering how did his wife endure for 10 years, smile and wave siltenly.

I wish her all the happiness, even if the ex-husband, is my friend. Both he and I truly acknowledge her reasons for leaving, and at least, I am thankful for her safety and hopeful for her to one day know happiness beyond a 10 year prison, quilted in the name of love from someone that truly never felt it.

I hope I can support my friend in his journey to wellbeing, I’m grateful he knows, he is a bad father for now. I hope I make him understand that it takes love, for him to be a good one.

Every monster, was once someone else supposed to have been loved child, and more over protected.

Stay safe, keep yourself well.

Lovethyself,

Saeed